Rebuttal to: UNAPOLOGETIC HETEROSEXUAL WHITE WOMAN & PROUD OF IT.

 (Disclosure: I'm Lori Gallagher Witt, and I'm an author under the pen names L.A. Witt and Lauren Gallagher. I've created a second blog for this post because I don't do politics on my author blog. This one may or may not get updated in the future. I'm not trying to hide my identity; that blog is more for promo and such. )

 

 

So my cousin posted a video the other day. I wasn’t going to respond to it, but I can’t let it go. If I don’t say something, no one will, and letting things like this slide is how it becomes accepted. I’m not pretending it’s acceptable in the name of keeping the peace.

If this means family gatherings are uncomfortable going forward, then so be it, because they’re already going to be uncomfortable for me after hearing what was said on the video. You put yours on a public forum, and so too shall the rebuttal be. The awkward Thanksgiving gauntlet has already been thrown, SO HERE WE GO.

An open letter to my cousin:

          Here’s me giving my message respectfully. You probably won’t like it. If it offends you, too bad. I’m not going to sugarcoat it any more than you did.

First things first, this whole thing was kicked off because you objected to a meme.

The meme says:

“I’m proud to be Black,” says the Black man.

“I’m proud to be Asian,” says the Asian man.

“I’m proud to be white,” says the racist.

And from there, we were treated to twelve and a half minutes of explanations about why you’re proud to be a straight, white woman, and how that doesn’t make you a racist—a fact you supported by demonstrating just how racist you actually are.

So. Let’s. Begin.

We’ll start with the meme itself. I know a lot of snowflakes get bent out of shape over this one, but that’s largely because there are miles of subtext that are difficult to convey in a meme. For one thing, even if you don’t agree that “I’m proud to be white” is racist, the fact of the matter is, the people beating that drum and flying that flag are, more often than not, unabashedly racist. When you’re echoing the sentiments of actual white supremacist groups… I mean, look, if it walks like a goose…

Second, “white” as an identity is largely tied to, again, white supremacists. The definition of who gets to be called white in this country has changed over the years, at times excluding various groups whose whiteness isn’t questioned today—German, Irish, etc. Even Eastern Europeans, despite “Caucasian” literally referring to the Caucasus region, which is in the southern part of the former Soviet Union. White supremacists in the early 20^th century targeted anyone who wasn’t Protestant and from specific parts of Western Europe.

I could write pages about the evolution of who gets accepted into the elite club of whiteness in the United States, but the point is that it’s not as simple or as benign as white people think.

Meanwhile, Black people don’t have the same connection to ancestral countries as we do. Many are descendants of enslaved people. They don’t know where their ancestors came from. So while we can and do say we’re proud to be German, Irish, Italian, or what have you, many Black people were robbed of that connection to their ancestry.

And there’s nothing wrong with saying you’re proud of your Irish, German, etc., heritage. Those things are celebrated all over the country, and I’ve never heard anyone object to it. White pride, however, is a loaded term with an ugly history that continues to this day. When there are people marching in the streets in Klan hoods and waving swastikas beside their banners that read I’m Proud to Be White, that’s a real good time to think about what you’re implying when you say the same, and maybe try reading the room.

It really doesn’t matter if that offends you or if you disagree with it. That is the history of our culture and our language, and that history has loaded that phrase with a whole lot of ugly meaning that I would hope you don’t intend. You don’t have to like it, but take it up with the generations before us who ingrained all this racial hatred into our culture and language. I don’t make the rules.

MOVING ON.

Following the meme, you declared that you are not a racist, and then proceeded to support that argument as if you were reading off a checklist of ways to demonstrate you’re not a racist by being as racist as humanly possible.

You have Black friends. They’re good people. As you put it, “They’re hard-working respected members of the community.” One is an attorney who “comes from a lineage of attorneys, raised an attorney son, and all of his boys are upstanding respected young hard-working men. And they’re all Black.” You don’t have a problem with Black people—you have a problem with criminals.

Lord, this is going to take a minute.

One, “I have Black friends” is literally the go-to of every racist who doesn’t want to put on a hood and wave a tiki torch, and certainly doesn’t want to don the mantle of “racist,” but wants to be able to express everything they dislike about a particular race with impunity. Sort of like how every homophobe “has gay friends,” but has some things to say about the LGBT+ community that would probably be make them look homophobic if they didn’t have those gay friends. We’ll get to those in a minute.

Second, all those qualifiers you made about your Black friends? Emphasizing how they’re good people and productive members of society? Pointing out that they’re upstanding and hard-working from upstanding and hard-working families? Did you mean to leave out “articulate” and “they don’t let their pants droop,” or was that an oversight? Do you do the same thing with your white friends? Why not just come out and say it: “I have Black friends who act white enough that I’ll allow them into my circle.”

It’s the same as when someone says, “I have a gay friend, but you’d never know it because he behaves like a normal guy.” Or when you emphasize that both of your lesbian nieces have been in long relationships—longer than all your marriages combined! When you feel compelled to qualify the LGBT+ people in your life like that, you’re saying A LOT MORE about yourself than about them. (As an aside, no one expects you to know the ever-changing acronyms, but it’s not too much to ask to be respectful about it. “LGBT” or "LGBT+" are far more acceptable than “L…Q…whatever the hell it is now.”)

Back to the Black attorney and such. From there, you proceed to explain to us that you’re not racist, you’re “criminal-ist,” which you’ve evidently coined to describe someone who’s anti-criminal. You don’t want to work with, hang out with, break bread with, associate with criminals. Or ride the bus with them, you point out, as if you’ve ridden a bus any time recently, but somehow that one always winds up on the list of things people don’t want to do with Black—sorry, with criminals.

So you’re a “criminal-ist.”

Which is ironic, given that you explain that when you were arrested, you called your Black attorney friend. But you’re not a hypocrite! After all, when you were arrested, you didn’t shoot off your mouth to the cops. You didn’t even think to do so. You’re not like those other criminals.

I mean, clearly that makes you not a hypocrite. You’re “criminal-ist” who has yourself have been arrested, BUT you didn’t mouth off to the cops. Right. Got it.

The message here is pretty unmistakable: the reason Black people get killed by cops is that they don’t cooperate or they’re not respectful.

Black people get killed by cops because they get themselves killed by cops.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, there are numerous documented incidents of Black people being killed or injured by police while cooperating. Philando Castile was following instructions, and was shot in front of his wife and child. A Black man was ordered to remove a gun from his waistband, and he sobbed telling the officers if he reached for it, they’d shoot him. He was correct. Breonna Taylor was killed in her bedroom. Her boyfriend was defending his home against middle-of-the-night intruders with a legally-owned gun, something that, if memory serves, you believe we should all have the right to do.

There are countless more examples, but you went for the racist go-to: diminish it to the natural consequences of mouthing off or resisting arrest.

While we’re at it, should mouthing off to a cop result in a bullet? Is that really a capital offense? Is struggling during an arrest because you’re scared something that should get someone killed? I'm not defending those things, but do they really warrant killing someone?

And if that’s the case, then what about the endless videos on YouTube of white people being belligerent, confrontational, and even physical with cops? Why do those cops laugh it off, or patiently continue politely asking them to comply?

Why do my Black friends get visibly uncomfortable when we’re out and about and we so much as see a cop, even when they haven’t done a single thing wrong? Why don’t my white friends even notice unless they’re speeding?

Why do SO MANY WHITE PEOPLE have stories about “if that cop had actually arrested me with all that weed, I’d have gone to prison for sure” and “I was driving drunk as hell, but the cop just gave my stupid ass a lift home,” while SO MANY BLACK PEOPLE have stories that start out a lot more innocently and end without anyone laughing?

When my parents were teaching me to drive, they told me how to navigate a traffic stop without getting a bigger fine. My Black friends have to tell their children how to SURVIVE traffic stops. A friend told me that she explained to her primary school kids what to do if they were stopped by the cops while walking on the sidewalk. Apps are being developed so iPhones will automatically record traffic stops without the person having to reach for them and potentially give the cop a reason to think they’re reaching for a weapon.

But you diminish all of it to Black people mouthing off at cops, while you cooperated. Your situation went smoothly because you cooperated and behaved properly. It never even crosses your mind that your arrest might have gone down differently had you been Black, it just went well because you're not a criminal.

Which brings me to the next highlight.

You said “I’m a white, heterosexual woman, and my life matters.”

Yeah. No kidding. Literally NO ONE is suggesting otherwise. No one. No. One.

Black Lives Matter doesn’t mean Black lives matter more. It means they matter. Period. It doesn’t diminish from your life mattering. It was started because Black people are justifiably scared, frustrated, and furious that cops kill them with impunity. Cops—and many white civilians—behave as if Black lives DON’T matter, and the slogan and organization came about as a pushback to that. Because it has become (or really, it has been since forever, but camera phones are bringing it to light) a matter of routine for Black people to die at the hands of police and for nothing to be done about it.

Do you disagree that Black lives matter? I should hope not. After all, you have Black friends who are fine, upstanding members of the community who contribute to society. Clearly you believe Black lives matter. Those Black lives, anyway. Not so sure where you stand on those who are criminals, mostly because I’m a bit unclear about how you define “criminal.” You apparently get a pass, and the people you don’t want to break bread with are the ones who say [insert your imitation of a gangsta voice talking trash to a cop], and I’m confused about where exactly you draw the line between who’s a criminal and who’s…you.

Because I HAVE shouted in a cop’s face before. I lost my shit at a cop because I’d been waiting forty-five minutes after someone had nearly pulled a gun on me. I’m not proud of it, but it happened and I own it. The thing is, never once did I fear for my life. He never reached for his gun or his taser. He told me calm the hell down and stop being so agitated, and we exchanged words, but I never once felt like my life was in danger. I was also never arrested or even threatened with arrest.

So I’ve done the “shooting off my mouth at a cop” thing.

But I’ve never done the “got arrested” thing.

Did I deserve to get shot? Do I qualify as a criminal? Where do I land on the spectrum of who’s a criminal and who’s not? Because I did the thing Black people do that results in them getting shot, but I didn’t do the thing that resulted in you wearing handcuffs and going to jail but not being a criminal. What am I?

Think about that for a while.

MOVING. FORWARD.

No one’s asking you to shrink back. If anything, we’re asking you to let other voices have room to speak up and to LISTEN to them. You don’t have to apologize for being white or straight. You just need to accept that we’re moving into an era where other voices are no longer content with shrinking back and not being heard.

Oh, but you don’t like how the messages are delivered.

Two points you made:

One, you think the BLM message gets lost in the delivery because of riots.

Two, you think LGBT+ people aren’t taken seriously because of how we do Pride, how we dress, etc.

In other words, you want those messages packaged in a way that suits you, or else you’ll dismiss us and our message.

Here’s the thing: Black Lives Matter didn’t fall from the sky, and neither did Pride.

BLM is the way it is because people had exhausted all the other “acceptable” means of conveying their message. Peaceful protests. Writing letters. Voting. Running for office. Writing articles. Art. No one was listening, and people kept being killed. You don’t have to like the riots, but you know what? You’re talking about it. People are talking about it. No one WANTED to get to the point of rioting, but they were left with NO CHOICE.

You claimed that if George Floyd had been white, the officer probably would have been prosecuted. And you’re correct. The problem is that the officers involved in killing him weren’t charged UNTIL PROTESTERS DEMANDED IT. Had there not been nationwide outcry, it’s quite possible they wouldn’t have been prosecuted. The officers who murdered Breonna Taylor in her own home also weren’t charged until massive public outcry demanded it. It remains to be seen if those involved in either death will be convicted. 

 So no, it wouldn’t be treated the same with a white victim.

As for Pride, there’s a whole lot to unpack here.

Do you know why we dress wild at Pride? Do you know why so many people wear rainbows and costumes?

BECAUSE WE CAN. Because Pride is the one time of year when we can safely let our hair down, let the rainbow flags fly, and be open about who we are. Some people aren’t into that, and that’s okay. There are lower key Pride events as well. But some people enjoy that catharsis and camaraderie. It’s a place where we can go a little nuts and have some fun SAFELY.

Except even that isn’t safe anymore. In 2019, the Pride event I went to was scary because a week earlier, police had escorted literal Nazis through another such event. Armed Nazis. People who want us dead. And you think, “Well, maybe people would respect you if you didn’t dress silly?” Seriously? People have been hurting and killing us for a long, long time, and it didn’t start because someone thought it would be fun to dress as a rainbow unicorn for one goddamned day.

Remember that thing you said about how if two men or two women are holding hands in public, and someone is mean to them, it must be something else? “Maybe they just don’t like you?” You are SO WRONG. So, so, SO WRONG. I know more LGBT+ people than I can count who’ve expressed how much they wish they could show just the slightest bit of affection in public without fearing for their lives. That’s not hyperbole—they are literally and justifiably afraid they will be beaten or killed as a result, and in many cases, they’re not wrong. 

I’ve held hands with a woman in public. It’s scarier than you think, and for reasons you clearly don’t have the empathy to understand. You don’t know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that look, or to have to have the conversation of “Is it safe for us to do this here?”

Not some over-the-top PDAs. Not showing skin or acting inappropriately. Just holding hands. I know couples who’ve been together for years—in some cases decades—who won’t show even the slightest bit of affection in public because of fear. That fear is real, and so is the threat, and it’s horrifying to me that you would dismiss that as just “Oh, it must be something else.”

No, it isn’t. People hate us. They want to do us real, quantifiable, physical harm.

And people dressing differently? Behaving differently? Not caring what other people think and just living their lives (which kind of seems like something you’d support but maybe not)? I know a trans woman who was beaten within an inch of her life just for being a trans woman. She didn’t say a word to anyone and wasn’t doing anything except walking down a sidewalk dressed in a way you’d find perfectly acceptable. Then she was sucker-punched from behind and severely beaten. I’ve heard stories from my LGBT+ friends that would make your hair curl. I’ve seen scars.

Which brings me to… LGBT+ people are “jumping on the bandwagon” of BLM? Seriously? Do you realize how many people in our community are assaulted or murdered each year and how little is done about it? Do you understand that even in 2021, simply existing as a member of this community means being in danger of being hurt or killed?

But you don’t want to listen to us because we put on silly costumes at Pride once a year. Should we stop taking straight people seriously because of Mardis Gras? How ridiculous. And who cares if a lesbian author did a keynote speech wearing a Wonder Woman headband? So what? I gave a keynote speech while my hair was still dyed blonde and blue from something else, and no one in the room cared. They were interested in what I had to say, not if I decided to do something fun with my hair.

One last thing about Pride—your comment about “Straight Pride”? You know why Pride exists? Because of a riot. Because a Black trans woman threw a brick through a window, kicked off the Stonewall riots, and ignited a movement to stop police from harassing us just for trying to exist in our own space. Gay Pride exists because of a need for solidarity among a marginalized group against a larger, more powerful group that wants us to be at best closeted, at worst, dead. Straight Pride doesn't exist because it doesn't need to.

You didn't feel in your element at Pride? You don’t need to feel in your element at Pride. You don’t need to approve of what we do. It’s not for you. It’s for us. You don’t have to understand it or like it—we do. When you come to Pride, you're in our world, and we aren't there to dress and act in a way that makes you comfortable. It shouldn’t be too much to ask to be among our own and feel loved and accepted ONE TIME each year, and to put it bluntly, we aren’t asking for your permission or your approval.

And really, that’s what all of this comes down to: whether marginalized people are delivering messages or behaving in a way that you approve of.

Your Black friend is fine and upstanding because he’s an attorney, hard-working, well-respected, etc. He’s the one you called when you went to jail. You approve of him. You, who has been arrested and needed to be bailed out of jail, approve of him, his sons, and Black people who aren’t criminals.

You love your lesbian nieces, and I’m assuming you tolerate your bisexual cousin since (at least before I post this) we’re still friends on Facebook, but you make sure to emphasize that they’re in long term monogamous relationships. Presumably I make that cut too. We check the boxes that make straight people comfortable, so we’re okay. Or maybe I don’t since I sometimes wear a rainbow flag as a cape at Pride along with my Pride sneakers and Black Lives Matter T-shirt. Maybe that’s too much, so everything I’ve said here is going to be dismissed because I don’t act straight enough.

You agree that our lives matter and that Black lives matter, but the message isn’t being conveyed in a way you approve of. You continue to harp on how we “lose respect” based on how we dress or how we deliver our message. Yet ironically, you seem to be unaware that the way YOUR message comes across is:

“If you don’t tell me your life matters in a way that I find acceptable and palatable, then you deserve it when someone hurts you or kills you.”

You don’t mean that? You don’t believe that at all? Sure could have fooled me, because you were a hell of a lot angrier about our collective tone of voice or what we wear to a party than about PEOPLE LITERALLY BEING MURDERED.

Over and over, you assure us you’re not a racist or a homophobe.

But if that’s the case, then quite frankly…

You might want to work on your delivery.

 

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